This year has been so bumpy for me and as it’s the time for reflection of what the year brought I started to get really caught up and negative about it all, so I thought it was time to dump those emotions into the last two hours of 2017 and write this post as a vent session so I can step into 2018 pumped for a new shot.
2017 was a year of learning about myself and how far I could push myself. So much sh*t happened in 2017 that I’ve spent too much time pondering about how I could reverse it. We all make hard decisions. We all have awful choices to make but at the end of the day, how your body tells you to respond says a lot about you and your values. My body told me to cut the excess. So I did. I chopped out all of the sources of negativity I could find and tried to rebuild from there. Some part of me hoped that doing this would reduce the social anxiety and my problem would be solved. It wasn’t, spoiler alert. In some ways it made it worse, because I did what I did so vaguely I had no idea of reactions or how people saw me and what they thought about me which was just fuel to the fire.
I was a firefighter this year. I had an anxious fire raging inside of me and I tried to conduct myself in the most adult way possible and battle it. Some days were successful and some days weren’t. It’s awful really how the bad days stick with you almost more than the good do.
Basically, I prospered academically this year. And that doesn’t surprise me because my academics have always been an amazing distraction for myself. I can lock myself away in my room and study and no one bats an eye because you’re doing the right thing. I used academics as a distraction this year. ‘I can’t go out I have …. to do’ was a sentence which only became too familiar to my family and friends. And to me, I see nothing wrong with that. I love learning and I love my course and honestly a university degree isn’t going to turn around and tell you that they don’t want to go out with you, or not invite you places, or be your friend. A university degree is my key to a new life. At least that’s how I see it. It’s my key to moving to New York. It’s my key to reinventing myself. Plus I don’t get anxious while studying which is the biggest plus ever. I also worked hard at my jobs. I received the best marks I’ve ever gotten for my dance exams. I’m not mad about any of this completely honestly, by this stage we all know that these kinds of things are what I do best.
Friendship wise, I lost some and I gained some. Honestly friendships are a battle which everyone partakes in, some are just more successful at maintaining a clean slate than others. I am difficult, I get that. I can be competitive and I can be high-maintenance and I have a very thick outer layer. I don’t open up to anyone anymore. I feel like the only person who really knows who I am is myself. This brands me as the b*tch or hard to approach or distant and after the past few years I will happily cop that. I’d rather that than be walked all over and used for my benefits.
I also started a blog (not this one) and I made so many new friends/contacts dance wise and it’s one of my favourite things that happened in 2017. I always think about deleting it but some of those girls are my favourite people and honestly I couldn’t move away from that. We have laughs and inside jokes and challenges for the hell of it and we make google docs and other statistical result documents but most importantly we all bond over our love for dance which is one of my favourite things ever.
Other highlights of 2017 were the Ariana and Shawn concerts. Two of the best nights of my life, seeing people I idolise live and having a good cry about it. Ariana has been one of my idols since I was about 10 which is absolutely crazy to think about, and I got to see her live and sing all of the hits I’ve loved since then. She is who I really wish to be. The definition of resilience should include an example as Ariana Grande. I don’t know many people who could have bounced back the way she did this year. She was faced with fear and stood back up and said ‘try me’. I wish to be like that. Shawn, again, is someone I’ve idolised since I was about 13. It’s so crazy to me that someone I’ve never met writes music which resonates so much with me. Seeing him live was absolutely incredible. I had a real sob during A Little Too Much. I would label that and Praying as the two songs which get me through some real sh*t. Honestly.
An awful thing happened a few days ago, I think most girls I went to high school with will know this, and it hasn’t left my mind since I got the news. It’s made me really think that we all have 365 chances in a year to wake up and do something great. I feel like this year, I spent at least 300 of them just stumbling through the day, or waking up only to anticipate something happening later on. We have 365 new pages of The Book of 2018 and this year I want to write something really great. I want to shape my year to the best of my ability. I don’t want to wake up and dread the day, I don’t want to wake up and wish the day away, I don’t want to wake up and immediately cancel every plan I have out of fear.
My biggest fear is fear itself. I’ve become very aware of this recently. 2018 is a new year, a fresh slate, a new chance and a new book. The story I write this new year is one that I want to consist of improvement, determination, perseverance, resilience, happiness and stepping out of my comfort zone. And whoever finds their paths crossing with mine next year, I hope you’re ready. I’m ready to become a new me.
XOXO for the last time in 2017… S